Unapologetic Dreamer

Options

2011-11-19T20:12:00.001-08:00

What to do, what to do. It's one of those days when you can't help but think about the future. So far all I have under my belt is a high school diploma and a Associates in Biological Sciences. I guess that's better then nothing. I was actually very thankful for getting my associates just a few months ago but now it seems light weight useless in comparison to what other people have around the world. In a year... hopefully, I will have attained my bachelors in Biochemistry and minor in education. But what then? Right now there looks to be 2 options.

Option 1: Graduate School. Instead of graduating in a year I will stay 2 years like any normal transfer student. This is so that I can spend more time with my research team and clubs so that I can have a great letter of recommendation and have done more things to fill up my resume as well as study for the GRE and graduate entrance exams.

Positives: 1) I get to stay in the states longer, maybe even find me a wifey and see if I can get legalization that way as well (no gurantee that would even work from what I hear). 2) Graduate students are very appealing to the US and would greatly increase my chances at staying (no promises there as well) 3) Having a masters is highly appealing anywhere in the world espeically from an accredited place in the US. 4) More time for the DREAM Act to pass

Negatives: 1) I will be 25 when I graduate with my bachelors and 29 when I graduate with my masters (assuming I get into a master program) FFUUUDDDGGEE that's old! 2) more money out of my family's pockets because I can't fund that myself or take out a loan (unless i find out otherwise because I'd be getting my master's in Biochemistry with is considered in the "hard sciences" and for people in that kind of program, they get their school paid for, again, this is for normal graduates so who knows.

OR

Option 2: Philipines. Returning to my native home land and finally getting this undocumented status out the picture. I will have my bachelor's from the United States which hold much more sway then anything you can get over there. From there can either try and apply for residency to another country like Canada or Europe somewhere and try and get into a nationally accredited medical school. Or even stay in the philipines and try and make a difference there.

Positives: 1) Finally FREAKIN LEGAL! 2) Can hold a job and feel like I'm moving along in life 3) can MAKE A DIFFERENCE! 4) From TFC (the filipino channel) there are some legit looking filipino girls over there [:

Negatives: 1) 10 freakin year band + those years it takes to petition someone 2) Philipines isn't really Europe, it is a legit 3rd world country, ehh.. upper 3rd world country. 3) Government, from what I hear, is pretty currupt so attempting to make a positive change may ruffle some feathers that could get me killed (no joke). 4) I do not know how to speak my native language (very sad i know but like i say, I'm Americanized to the max)

Well those are the choices. WTFREAK why is every choice we dremers make such big ones! Well since i make my choices only when i have to, i guess for now it's just nice knowing i have options.

Reward/Risk Ratio & Driving

2011-11-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

I have this thing I like to call my "reward vs risk ratio" that pops into my head whenever I feel my undocumented status presents a dilemma to living a normal life. For example, I currently drive around with a valid foreign license. When I first got it I actually blogged about it in 2009 but I ended up losing it in a taqueria (actually some idiot stole it). I eventually got another one and drive around with it and I even got pulled over once and was let go (I was scared to death but I spoke to the officer with confidence, it wasnt anything i did, my tail light was broken. Although I also believe it is because i was driving in a relatively crappy car for the neighborhood I was driving in.) Anyway whenever I sit in the driver's sit I always say this in my head "I take responsibility for everthing that this car gets me, the good and the bad." What I mean by this is that I am definitely running the risk of being caught. Yeah I was let go that one time but what if I ended up with a really pissed of cop? Sometimes being caught versus being let go is a matter of probabilty of what kind of cop I encounter. I mentally prepared myself each time to get deported and spending time in one of those jail cells for months on end that I've read so much about. But even with that risk, the rewards were so high. My grades greatly improved so much so that I ended up getting accepted to the University of California Davis as a Biochemistry and Molecular Biology major with a minor in Education. I was also able to help my family so much with chores and even found a job for a short amount of time that I drove myself to. The benefits were so great it tips the scale towards the reward end.

However recently I got into a car accident and am working it out with my insurance company. Yes, undocumented people can get insurance. However this is the first time I have ever encountered this situation and much of my legality had to be divulged in a recorded audio tape for the insurance company to litigate the pay off for damages (it was my fault for the accident, btw always look over your shoulder and dont just rely on the mirrors). So I'm just sweating the situation out right now and hopefully my legality isnt put into question or reported to ICE. I feel that it is highly unlikely because they are a private insitiution and they should technically represent me but I'll never know until its all done with. In the end I dont regret this uncertainty phase that I have to deal with now because being able to drive opened up so many doors for me and help me repay people I felt had helped me along the way in growing up and being in this situation as I blogged before. So worst comes to worst at least I've repaid back a good amount to what people have done for me in the past as well as grown tremedously as a person. Also being back in my native country meana ill be legal, lol so there always that.But in any event, we will see how this whole thing goes, wish me luck [:

P.S. The time I spent away from here was also time I spent trying to repay the kindness that was shown to me in the past.

On a side note: I live in california which is a state that is very relaxed on undocumented immigrants in comparision to other states. I make these risk keeping that in mind as well as knowing that days before the end of the month are days police like to catch up on giving out tickets, night time is when cops usually set up checkpoints, rainy nights are dangerous, nice neighborhoods are not nice to ugly cars. Also on the DMV website for cali, it specifically states that a valid foreign license is valid in this state as long as it is not expired. So for any dreamer thinking about driving I suggest thinking very deeply about the rewards/risk involved and be prepared to live with all consequence, the good and the bad.

Unapologetic Dreamer

2011-11-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow dreamers and random folks! It has been a while! and that is definitely an understatement. It was great rereading my post from before and seeing just how far I've come, but an explaination of that will just have to wait for now. Now I don't want to just jump from my last post to today so I will try and bridge it as much as possible so here goes:

After my last post I realized how important family was too me. In my previous post I mentioned how I hated the fact that I could not do anything to pay them back for all they have done. However, I slowly realized that education was one way I could get ready to pay them back while actively making myself more desireable to the United States as a person from an economical stand point. Furthermore, I felt that the education path might be the most successful route for me no matter what the outcome was going to be (in relation to if the dream act is going to be passed or not). My reasoning for this is if I get deported (heaven forbid) I would still have my degree no matter what. From there I may immigrate (legally this time! and of my own free will!) to another country and share my talents and skills and say "too bad America, I know you paid for my K-12 which was worth hundreds of thousand of dollars, as well as community college supplemental dollars but hey, I wanted to give back money via taxes but you just would not let me! I would even pay a legalization fee but you just wont create a path. So now I'll just let you handle this depression all on your own because apparentely you're just too good for me." I know I might be coming on a bit strong but hey it is the freakin' truth. That's why I changed this blog name to Unapologetic Dreamer because I won't apologize for trying to make the most of this life I was given. I won't be scared, I wont be intimidated, but I also wont be stupid. I will take calculated risked based on what I call a reward/risk ratio which I will explain at a later post. However, this is my delaration to not be scared of the obstacles but face them head on.

Good Folks

2009-04-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

I enjoy reading blogs, especially one's from DREAMERS. From DREAM ACT student's "The I Word" to Documenting Me's "After Effects," these blogs have been a type of coping mechanism for me. It's great having someone to relate to even though i have never in my life seen these people, that is if you don't count Documenting Me's wrist. But nonetheless this commonality of ours brings us together. Honestly, i enjoy reading blogs about "the struggle," or how we've delt with the injustice that's been placed in our lives and the sorrow and pain. Blogs that can articulate the complicated lifestyle we must traverse are hits with me too. Is this sad? I dont think so. These are things with which we relate and are packed with emotion. There's nothing better then relieving stress and sadness or any other emotion for that mattter then reading my blog or someone else's that fully describes my thoughts. But Im going to put that off for today. Today, I have to recognize the good folks.

Who are the good folks? They're the ones who stick by you even though you're a DREAMER. The ones who see that potential. The ones who come closet to understanding (note: understanding not = to knowing) the life of a DREAMER without being a dreamer themself. Here's an example: my dad. In all honesty, it's hard to relate with my dad, he grew up in the philipphines and is in his fifties. He comes from a different time and culture and also just came back from his slight, "deportation but not really deportation because he's a resident now," trip from the philipphines. So to say the least, conversations dont spring up like grass in the spring. But he tries his best to keep me optimistic by keeping up with the news and reports about immigration. He drives me where i need to go, though i choose not to overly burden him with rides and the like. Though we dont talk a lot, i can infer that he believes in me. He's not the only one, there's more family members and friends that go along with that. These are the good folks and they're important.

They're important because they make up a large sum of my future. I do want to get a good job, that college degree, that car, that money. But why? Would these things make me happy? Yes and No. It may be a complete yes for some, but not me. It's not this way because of how things have played out in my life so far. Because during these trying times filled with suffering and even days where hope was just a thread like beam in utter dark dispair these folks were there. So if i could give another reason to PASS THE DREAM ACT it would be this: so i can finally do something in return for those who never gave up on me. The Good Folks.

Odd Man Out

2009-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

I walked into class late today. Not anything new though, I'ma be honest.. that flame and passion for education has been thrown out the window. So the idea of coming to class on time doesn't wake me up in the morning early enough to stop people from staring at me and then the class clock everytime i walk in. I take a seat and start taking notes, which by the way i cant remember taking because the DA is on the back of my mind. Anyway, we have a ten minute break and my classmate says to me, "Hey sunshine, too much partying over the weekend?" (Now understand, this is a mid-40's white guy with a family, so im guessing he's drawing from his past experience as well as the high mathamatical probablity of a person that is my age's reason for looking tired and coming to class late, plus the media and culture's injection of a 20 year old's typical lifestyle.) I should be ready to answer this, it's not like it's the first time I've HAD to tell a lie, but i HATE, HATE lying and i hate liers, so that piece of me trips me up, causes me to pause and mumble, giving myself away. I manage to give a nervous laugh followed by soft "yeah.." that's complimented with a nod. Then i see it, though it was but a flash, a quick squint in his eyes gave him away, expressing his slight disbelief and wonder to what it is im hiding but ultimately saying: LIER. Truth be told, what i wanted to say is that this "partying" he's refering to is in actuality, this: 1. Finding articles on the DA 2. Calling senators and Reps 3. Worrying about the DA. But how could i make him understand, how could i truly let him see in these few minutes of break left that this is what i did and why, then the 2nd "why" for the 1st "why," and all the dimensions the come along with the 2nd "why." But, break ends, and i can only hope this slight rift doesn't make me a lier in his eyes.

I wasnt like this, nor do i want to be like this. Before knowing my undocumented state, I was an intellectual, the pride of my middle school. If there were valedictorians and salidictions in middle school i would have been the latter. In the years before my parents left in high school i was in the running for validictoran. But im not as flat of a character as simply being a bookworm for i also enjoyed basketball and tennis. I reminisce of being on the freshman and jv basketball team; truthfully i was not on the starting line up, but i made for a solid sixth man and there's no same in that. I love music. My favorite instrument would have to be my guitar; Eleanor, but i enjoy playing the drums, bass, and though it's the most challenging, the piano. I like anime, yes, anime and cartoons. From the classics like outlaw star, wolf's rain, gundam wing, transformers, ronan warrriors -to- naruto, bleach, avator, batman, ben 10. Video games are still cool to me though i have less time with them, use to be a final fantasy addict (RPG). There is a nerd in all of us! Last, though it doesnt end here, is that i love food. Anything that has to do with food from cooking it to eatting it.

When I think back to who i was im sadden because i also know who i am now. It seems as if this whole ordeal has shriveled my life. I guess then it's accurate to those who made the video "A Dream Deferred" because like Langston Hughs so elegantly put it, this DREAM of mine(ours) seem to "dry up like a raisin in the the sun." I feel like a shadow of my former self, trapped and unable to move into the next step in life. This constanst stuggle to want to be better then yesterday is met by a glass ceiling. I've hit that wall enough times to nearly break my sanity. So i stand back looking at this obstacle, looking for holes, maybe a way around it and as i do so i know others are moving forward. Are they more deserving? Because of what? Birthright? I thought that was gone long ago forever to remain in stories and history books or atleast not here in the good ol' United States of America. But i guess some other country men do not want that, so here I'll remain, for now, in limbo.

I know though, once that wall is passed, weither it be a way around it (i pray it doesnt come to that) or through it (the passing of the DREAM ACT) these passions and drives that have been supressed for so long will reemerge and explode, and what I've known i could accomplish all along will come into fruition. But for now "partying" will be comprised of thinking about the DREAM act, however obsessive it may be. Because though it may be sad to lay down and rest, seeminly putting life on hold, priority number one HAS TO BE TO GET THE DREAM ACT PASSED.

F My Life

2009-03-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Crappp.. Crap crap..

So hello everyone. It's been a long time since i last posted and i know all my readers are disappointed (SIKE). Does anyone read this blog? Well anyway, the reason i havent been blogging lately was because i had been driving! YEAH! I tell ya, it's completly awesomeness. Grades jumped to A status effortlessly, helped around the house more which made my parents happy, worked out like a monster so im in pretty great shape, played basketball all over the place, was able to help a lot of people with projects and advice, plus i still had extra time to spare! Also i was building this pro dream act group at my school. Then on a fateful day, just a few days ago, i was eating at a local mexican store and i leave my wallet out on the table for a few seconds and BAM! STOLEN! SUCKS! KILL ME NOW! F MY LIFE!

Soo... basically kinda back to square one. But there are some differences. 1. I'm more sure of my potential. I was kinda sure of it before, but there were days when i thought i was just running my mouth because i had no proof of it. But having that license, for as brief a time as it was, was conformation that i can achieve great things given equal footing. 2. Im out of that hopelessness state because driving for a while helped me get out of that rut that i was in. 3. I might be able to obtain another one.

One more note, and a serious one too. It seems like I've been getting a huge taste of the injustice that goes on in this world. My "once upon a time" belief that things here on earth are more good then bad is starting to tip. It seems as if this world is trying it's hardest to harden my heart and become bitter using survival and fairness as its justification. Greed, jealousy, and lust for power seem to be making it self more prevolent in my mind's sight. Yet i can not turn to it's ways even though it seems to benifit those who use it. I guess in the end im still hopeful that goodness, righteousness, honesty, and justice will prevail.

A Fine Line

2009-01-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

It's one of those days. I HATE, HATE, these days! On these days, you see someone achieve and do something good, maybe even something great. And on these days, the feelings we should feel is respect and admiration for that outstanding individual. But we don't, I don't. Not entirely at least. Because what they have done, is something I could have done. What they achieved, in reality, is easy for me. If i had equal grounding. Legality. I do not call on the "im undocumented" crutch, though it is a fine line when treading across it, but i ask for a little bit of understanding.

This is how i picture life sometimes: We are all running a race. Since middle school, i felt like I've been at the head of the pack (the pack being people my age). When my parents left, i felt like a ten pound vest was added to my attire and was now running amongst the pack. In college, another 10 pounds, now slightly behind the pack. Also, other packs are at my heels. Yet i remember my past speed, like a caged lion remembers the plains. I remember what i could do, and i project where i could be had my speed not been hindered.

Am i a jerk? A wuss? Have I gone soft, and let my situation, our situation, get the best of me? Have i justified my own shortcomings by highlighting uncontrollable factors? Or have i wisely seen some of life's limitations, and acted accordingly?

You see, we dreamers must tread a fine line. A line that on either side could devour our very lives. On one side is pursing everything we could possibly want even against all odds. The other is backing away from challenges impossible to accomplish, or not worth the effort for the reward. The former seems braver, gutsyer (is that even a word?) and much more heroic, but it can cause it's own problems. There are somethings, that we just can't do, or are restricted to. Apply this to every problem we face and we will disappoint and discourage ourselves into depression. The latter is good because we have the understanding that somethings are out of our control and, for now, we'll let it go. But that same state of mind can lead to idleness, uselessness, and laziness.

I'm still learning to balance on this wire, and every fall is a painful reminder of my status. Be careful fellow dreams, do not get stuck on either side of this line that we're forced to cross. Our sanity rest on it.

- --------------------------

2009-01-26T20:35:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like a volcano that's about to explode but then right before you do, someone puts a cork on your top? What happens then? Simple physics tells you that pressure will start to build, and the intensity will increase. Then one of two thing will happen:

1. The top is pulled out and everything will come shooting out, much higher and more forceful then if it didnt get capped.

or

2. The cap is so tight that the volcano itself will implode.

Why i bring this up, is because i feel like that's us (dreamers). These group of individuals whose talents and passions and drives are all bottled up within us. Deep down inside we know the strength of our characters, yet this limbo, this cap, restrains us from exploding to our built up potential.

Some of us, have been building up pressure for a long time, and just like volcanos, we have side vents to let out some of that pressure. But this this cant drag on for too long cus i feel it really will damage some of us. This stuff weighs heavy.

But i see that things are lined up like the title for this blog. I'm on the very first dash, and where im trying to go is the very last dash. The missing dash is the DREAM act. Just the last piece of the puzzle.

Getting Back On Track

2009-01-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

My Name is Carlo and I am Undocumented.

Shesh, I've read the change.org articles that start of like that but it feels different now that I've written it myself. Like it's official now. I guess it's acceptance. Anyway, I've always wanted to start a blog about my own life, but everytime i start one it, it never feels right. Whether it was the way the words were combined or the story that was being told, it never felt right to press the "publish post" button. My story starts off like this:

Like most undocumented students, also known as "d.r.e.a.m.ers," I was bought here when I was very young, six to be exact. I came here on a tourist visa, and over stayed. I dont want to get too detailed because, yes, it's almost like everyone elses. I found out that I was undocumented when I was a sophomore in highschool because my parents were told to return home (not deported). I stayed in the states and finished high school, and went to college. Here's a key difference:

In May 2008, My parents returned because my sister was born in the states and had turned 21 a few years earlier, so she was able to petition my parents. Well that leaves me and my younger brother in a pickle. As most of you know, the wait time for petitioning a sibling is freaking long as heck, 6-14 years to be exact (for a green card, through my sister). Also, my parents can petition me and my brother now as legal residents 9-14 years (for a green card). Yes, some of you say "hey at least there's a way for you." And to that, yes, it's true but... well, I'll answer that in another blog and maybe also the the difference between me and my brother (how im more screwed because i was born earlier). But further into the subject matter (why this blog is called "Getting Back On Track"). I was devistated when my parents left (future blog) but i was able to...some what thrive. But when college arrived, and i was soppose to face the next level of reality that is "AB-540" student, something delayed it. Or more precisely, someone. (future blog).

I use to be the "smart kid." Before I found out that my parents had to leave, I was a 4.0 student, in the running to make valedictorian (sp?) and even after they left, 3.5 overall in highschool. I was the sports junkie, specifically basketball (played my frosh and soph yr). I was the health nut, "watch those calories, and get those abs." Music was a passion and playing the guitar an escape. I was the early bird, 6 am on saturdays (just because). I was the clean freak, room was always clean! But the key words in this paragraph are "i use to be." I've completely fallin off every single aspect of what I've described. But it's not impossible to return. I've just been in the mentality that i can put it off until the DREAM act passes and then i can get back on track.

But it's time that i dust myself off, and face this. I need to stand up and fight when it's hard, not when it's easy. It's time that I face the AB-54o fact. I have to face the fact that it wont be easy. I have to face the fact that it isnt and won't be fair. That what should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours. I have to face the fact the i have to work around people's schedules, not mine. I have to face the fact the my mind and my heart is in utter pain and confusion. That though i want to stay a kid and remain oblivious of this world's pain and anguish, this world wont let me. So it's about time i stop crying about it. It's time to get back on track.

P.S.
Thanks to quingshu on DAP for being one of the motivating factors. Though i agree with "ready to serve" that it is "easier said then done." So some feed back would be nice to hear as encouragement and hopefully i do get back on track. Another Shout Out goes to Dreamerhippie for the last blog on change.org, i enjoyed reading your thoughts and parts of your life's stuggles as well as hopes and dreams. Also, this may seems random, but to Ianus, dude(guy?), thanks for all the articles that relate to DREAM and immigration in general. How you're the first to come across them, ill never figure out. And Lastly, DreamACTivist, thanks for the hard work you're doing for all the DREAMIES. Let's get starbucks again.

Well that's it for now. I still have a lot of subjects to talk about, but please, give me some responses. It's nice to write for myself, but it's also great to know people out there is responding to it. Please leave a message. Until then, God Bless and take care fellow DREAMERS and DREAM supporters and random fools who run into this blog.